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The Man's Guide to Woman's English

(jump to The Woman's Guide to Man's English)

  • We need = I want
  • It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
  • Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
  • We need to talk = I need to complain
  • Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
  • I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
  • You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
  • You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
  • I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
  • Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
  • This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
  • I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
  • I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
  • Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
  • I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

  • Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
  • How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
  • I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
  • Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
  • You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
  • Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
  • Yes = No
  • No = No
  • Maybe = No
  • I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
  • Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
  • Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
  • I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
  • All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The Woman's Guide to Man's English

  • "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
  • "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
  • "I'm tired" = I'm tired
  • "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
  • "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
  • "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
  • "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
  • "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
  • "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
  • "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
  • "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
  • "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

  • "I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
  • "I love you" = Let's have sex now
  • "I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
  • "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
  • "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
  • "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
  • "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
  • "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

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